The Quote:
"It was such a nice wedding, and you were such a pretty bride, but did you have to marry him?"
The back story:
I married young, too young and too dumb. My mama had a lot to say about it before hand but the months leading up to the marriage she kept quiet about it. On my wedding day she was cheerful and just being herself. It wasn't until the end of the night, right before I we were leaving that she dropped this line on me. She was right of course, Mama's usually are...
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Like it's your job
The Quote:
"Honey, I was thinking, I need you to start getting a little more serious about dating. I want you to get out there on the market and find boys like it's your job."
The Back Story:
My Mama works as a substitute teacher at the local high school and the students have been teaching her some new phrases. This isn't the first time she's told me to do something "like it was my job." But this one is so very thematic for her main goal, to have me settled and reproducing as soon as possible. She's just so datgum persistent.
"Honey, I was thinking, I need you to start getting a little more serious about dating. I want you to get out there on the market and find boys like it's your job."
The Back Story:
My Mama works as a substitute teacher at the local high school and the students have been teaching her some new phrases. This isn't the first time she's told me to do something "like it was my job." But this one is so very thematic for her main goal, to have me settled and reproducing as soon as possible. She's just so datgum persistent.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Roller Skating Whore
The quote:
"Are you a lady or are you a roller skating whore?"
The back story:
When I was a teenager I used to complain to Mama when a boy didn't text me or call me back right away. I had always been taught that a girl never calls or texts first and once I had mastered the patience to wait to have a boy reach out I didn't have much more wait in me. The first time she got irritated with my worrying over my phone my Mama told me she was just going to buy me a pair of roller skates and a net so that I could chase after boys more efficiently She also told me only whores chase boys, so I'd be a roller skate wearing, net wielding whore, but I'd still be her daughter. It was so ridiculously embarrassing, she loved it. Now, every time I start to worry about a boy not calling or second guess myself she just looks at me and says "stop being a roller skating whore." She's so supportive. That's my Mama.
"Are you a lady or are you a roller skating whore?"
The back story:
When I was a teenager I used to complain to Mama when a boy didn't text me or call me back right away. I had always been taught that a girl never calls or texts first and once I had mastered the patience to wait to have a boy reach out I didn't have much more wait in me. The first time she got irritated with my worrying over my phone my Mama told me she was just going to buy me a pair of roller skates and a net so that I could chase after boys more efficiently She also told me only whores chase boys, so I'd be a roller skate wearing, net wielding whore, but I'd still be her daughter. It was so ridiculously embarrassing, she loved it. Now, every time I start to worry about a boy not calling or second guess myself she just looks at me and says "stop being a roller skating whore." She's so supportive. That's my Mama.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Are You Pregnant?
The quote:
Me: "Mama! MAMA! I have a surprise! I need you to clear your schedule May 4th and 5th!"
Mama: "Oh thank goodness, why did you have to wait so long to tell me!"
Me: "...Wait, what?"
Mama: "Are you pregnant?"
Me: "...No, why would I tell you to clear your schedule for 2 days if I was pregnant?"
Mama: "I thought that was your due date... you know what, never mind, just tell me what you were going to tell me."
Me: "No, you thought I was 5 months pregnant and hadn't told you?!"
Mama: "You could've been hiding it well in all that hoodie you wear all time time, I don't know, just move on okay. Now what was the surprise."
Me: "... I'm taking you to the circus."
Mama: "That's wonderful sweetie, but next time you get so excited about something you had better be pregnant."
The back story:
I whole heart love Circ de Soliel and have been so so blessed to see 3 of their shows, my most recent (and favorite) experience was Totem on my birthday this past year. I took a close friend but when I originally told my Mama about my plans she seemed very disappointed she wasn't coming. I bought tickets to take her to see Quidam,I've got this whole fantastic 2 day trip out of town planned. Again, she's disappointed, this time because I'm not pregnant. We're not even going near the idea that she thinks I could be 5 months pregnant and not tell her. That's my Mama.
Me: "Mama! MAMA! I have a surprise! I need you to clear your schedule May 4th and 5th!"
Mama: "Oh thank goodness, why did you have to wait so long to tell me!"
Me: "...Wait, what?"
Mama: "Are you pregnant?"
Me: "...No, why would I tell you to clear your schedule for 2 days if I was pregnant?"
Mama: "I thought that was your due date... you know what, never mind, just tell me what you were going to tell me."
Me: "No, you thought I was 5 months pregnant and hadn't told you?!"
Mama: "You could've been hiding it well in all that hoodie you wear all time time, I don't know, just move on okay. Now what was the surprise."
Me: "... I'm taking you to the circus."
Mama: "That's wonderful sweetie, but next time you get so excited about something you had better be pregnant."
The back story:
I whole heart love Circ de Soliel and have been so so blessed to see 3 of their shows, my most recent (and favorite) experience was Totem on my birthday this past year. I took a close friend but when I originally told my Mama about my plans she seemed very disappointed she wasn't coming. I bought tickets to take her to see Quidam,I've got this whole fantastic 2 day trip out of town planned. Again, she's disappointed, this time because I'm not pregnant. We're not even going near the idea that she thinks I could be 5 months pregnant and not tell her. That's my Mama.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
A Real Bra
The quote:
"Wait, before you go, are you wearing a real bra?"
The back story:
I had a date and called my Mama before the date to get a little pep talk and catch up. She's surprisignly sweet when she wants to be, and really no one can make me feel quite as valuable as my Mama. She was satisfied with all the plans I had made for the evening but not exactly satisfied with my wardrobe choices.
Me: "Alright Mama, I'm gonna go, I still need to do my make-up.
Mama: "Are you dressed already?""
Me: "We're not doing anything special so I'm just wearing what I wore today."
Mama: "Are you wearing a real bra?"
Me: "...No Mama, but I don't want to be uncomfortable all night."
Mama: "Put on a real bra darlin', I don't care if it cuts of circulation to the entire upper half of your body, I will not have my child running around like a damn hippie."
Me: "...Yes Mama..."
Mama: "You'd better, I'll know."
She called me the next day to ask, it should be noted that I did change clothes. Mama said I had to.
"Wait, before you go, are you wearing a real bra?"
The back story:
I had a date and called my Mama before the date to get a little pep talk and catch up. She's surprisignly sweet when she wants to be, and really no one can make me feel quite as valuable as my Mama. She was satisfied with all the plans I had made for the evening but not exactly satisfied with my wardrobe choices.
Me: "Alright Mama, I'm gonna go, I still need to do my make-up.
Mama: "Are you dressed already?""
Me: "We're not doing anything special so I'm just wearing what I wore today."
Mama: "Are you wearing a real bra?"
Me: "...No Mama, but I don't want to be uncomfortable all night."
Mama: "Put on a real bra darlin', I don't care if it cuts of circulation to the entire upper half of your body, I will not have my child running around like a damn hippie."
Me: "...Yes Mama..."
Mama: "You'd better, I'll know."
She called me the next day to ask, it should be noted that I did change clothes. Mama said I had to.
Monday, February 4, 2013
We're Jewish!
The quote:
"We're Jewish?! That explains EVERYTHING."
The back story:
I was conceived through in vitro fertilization with an anonymous donor. I have no idea who my biological father is,and it should be noted,no desire to know who he is as a person, I just want his medical history. I had genetic testing done through 23&Me to determine what my genetic markers were. I highly recommend the site, they're not paying me or anything, I just think it's awesome. The thing about genetic testing is that to get information about your daddy, you gotta have a sample of daddy's DNA. I don't... Alas. But, it does trace all the way through your maternal line and I learned that I'm something like 17% Jewish(if that's even possible, I don't think it is, but I do have Jew blood.) When I told Mama the first thing she said was We're Jewish?! That explains Everything!" then in the same breath she said "Don't tell your grandmother!" My Grandmother is 86 and a little close minded, like steel trap rusted shut close minded, she'd be a little upset. So it's our secret. Habits and behaviors that were always just the way our family did it have become our "Jewish roots showing themselves."
"We're Jewish?! That explains EVERYTHING."
The back story:
I was conceived through in vitro fertilization with an anonymous donor. I have no idea who my biological father is,and it should be noted,no desire to know who he is as a person, I just want his medical history. I had genetic testing done through 23&Me to determine what my genetic markers were. I highly recommend the site, they're not paying me or anything, I just think it's awesome. The thing about genetic testing is that to get information about your daddy, you gotta have a sample of daddy's DNA. I don't... Alas. But, it does trace all the way through your maternal line and I learned that I'm something like 17% Jewish(if that's even possible, I don't think it is, but I do have Jew blood.) When I told Mama the first thing she said was We're Jewish?! That explains Everything!" then in the same breath she said "Don't tell your grandmother!" My Grandmother is 86 and a little close minded, like steel trap rusted shut close minded, she'd be a little upset. So it's our secret. Habits and behaviors that were always just the way our family did it have become our "Jewish roots showing themselves."
Protect Yourself
The quote:
"I put some condoms in your bathroom, I don't care how you use them, have a damn water balloon fight for all I care, just make sure whatever you do you're protecting yourself."
The back story:
I was 15 when this conversation took place, always the progressive, my Mama was heading me off at the pass. It was a pretty epic water fight...
"I put some condoms in your bathroom, I don't care how you use them, have a damn water balloon fight for all I care, just make sure whatever you do you're protecting yourself."
The back story:
I was 15 when this conversation took place, always the progressive, my Mama was heading me off at the pass. It was a pretty epic water fight...
Have a Baby
The quote:
"Just go on (pronounced by my Mama as gawn) and have a baby already, you're not getting any younger and I need something to do with all this free time."
The back story:
My Mama was in a horrific car accident about 6 months ago and is still recovering, she walks talks and has just as much spit fire as ever but she gets tired and has to rest, hurts a lot and sleeps 12 hours a night. She was working 3 jobs before the accident because she's always done that, always gone as hard as possible and done as much as she could. That's just my Mama. One unexpected result of the accident was her new determination to have me reproduce. This quote is not the first instance in which she has assured me that she's totally okay with me popping one out. The first conversation started with her giving me pamphlets on in vitro fertilization. You've got to give it to the woman, she's done her research. I'm fairly sure once she's back up and running the world she wont be quite so concerned with my ovulation cycles but until then I'm acting as immature as possible to make sure she see's how irresponsible it would be for me to have a child right now. So far, it's not working.
"Just go on (pronounced by my Mama as gawn) and have a baby already, you're not getting any younger and I need something to do with all this free time."
The back story:
My Mama was in a horrific car accident about 6 months ago and is still recovering, she walks talks and has just as much spit fire as ever but she gets tired and has to rest, hurts a lot and sleeps 12 hours a night. She was working 3 jobs before the accident because she's always done that, always gone as hard as possible and done as much as she could. That's just my Mama. One unexpected result of the accident was her new determination to have me reproduce. This quote is not the first instance in which she has assured me that she's totally okay with me popping one out. The first conversation started with her giving me pamphlets on in vitro fertilization. You've got to give it to the woman, she's done her research. I'm fairly sure once she's back up and running the world she wont be quite so concerned with my ovulation cycles but until then I'm acting as immature as possible to make sure she see's how irresponsible it would be for me to have a child right now. So far, it's not working.
Just as Long...
The quote:
"You can survive anything just as long as you know when it's going to end."
The back story:
When I was a child I found absolutely no comfort in these words because it meant that whatever commitment I was trying to squirm out of was going to stay in my life until I'd seen it through.From the age of 4 I was required to play one sport a year, before cheerleading there was soccer and tennis, both of which I complained bitterly about. Mama wouldn't let me quit though. When I got older it was the first few summer jobs I had, one summer I started out washing hair, then moved to helping clean houses and finally ended up washing dishes in a coffee shop in Monroe Georgia called Brewberries. I was 13 and furious that I had to work, but it was only for the summer and Mama assured me that the summer would be over soon. It wasn't until I got older, until I was 19 and trying to leave an abusive marriage, until I was 22 and trying to work 2 jobs and go to school, until I was 24 and juggling friends, work and my Mama's surgeries and PT after being hit head on by a drunk driver going 70 miles an hour, no, not until then did I realize how right she was. If you can find that spot in the distance, that date on the calendar or that moment when relief will come, you can make it through. You damn well better, Mama says.
"You can survive anything just as long as you know when it's going to end."
The back story:
When I was a child I found absolutely no comfort in these words because it meant that whatever commitment I was trying to squirm out of was going to stay in my life until I'd seen it through.From the age of 4 I was required to play one sport a year, before cheerleading there was soccer and tennis, both of which I complained bitterly about. Mama wouldn't let me quit though. When I got older it was the first few summer jobs I had, one summer I started out washing hair, then moved to helping clean houses and finally ended up washing dishes in a coffee shop in Monroe Georgia called Brewberries. I was 13 and furious that I had to work, but it was only for the summer and Mama assured me that the summer would be over soon. It wasn't until I got older, until I was 19 and trying to leave an abusive marriage, until I was 22 and trying to work 2 jobs and go to school, until I was 24 and juggling friends, work and my Mama's surgeries and PT after being hit head on by a drunk driver going 70 miles an hour, no, not until then did I realize how right she was. If you can find that spot in the distance, that date on the calendar or that moment when relief will come, you can make it through. You damn well better, Mama says.
Jesus and the Dogs
The quote:
"Quit your cursing with your filthy mouth, Jesus and the dogs can hear you."
The back story:
This quote was my inspiration to start this blog. I posted it on Facebook and it received rave reviews. In context the quote is even more amusing so I will provide the entire story.
Standing in the bathroom:
Me:"MAMA I FOUND A TOOTHBRUSH IN ITS ORIGINAL PACKAGING, IMMA USE THIS ONE."
Mama:"NO, THAT ONES FOR COMPANY!"
Me:"MAMA I AM COMPANY!!"
Mama:"YOU AIN'T COMPANY IF I WASH YOUR DAMN LAUNDRY WHEN YOU COME DOWN HERE."
Me: (to myself)"I'm gonna use it anyway then put it back in the package like it hadn't been opened."
Mama:"I DON'T HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING OF DOING, USE THE MOUTHWASH AND PUT THAT TOOTHBRUSH BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT."
Me:(to myself)"dammitt all."
Mama:"DON'T BE STANDIN IN THERE WITH YOUR FILTHY MOUTH CURSING YOUR OWN MISTAKE, JESUS CAN HEAR YOU AND SO CAN THE DOGS."
That ladies and gentlemen is why I have such a twisted sense of humor, you don't spend 16 years with "Jesus and the dogs" being able to see you sin and not turn out a little funny.
"Quit your cursing with your filthy mouth, Jesus and the dogs can hear you."
The back story:
This quote was my inspiration to start this blog. I posted it on Facebook and it received rave reviews. In context the quote is even more amusing so I will provide the entire story.
Standing in the bathroom:
Me:"MAMA I FOUND A TOOTHBRUSH IN ITS ORIGINAL PACKAGING, IMMA USE THIS ONE."
Mama:"NO, THAT ONES FOR COMPANY!"
Me:"MAMA I AM COMPANY!!"
Mama:"YOU AIN'T COMPANY IF I WASH YOUR DAMN LAUNDRY WHEN YOU COME DOWN HERE."
Me: (to myself)"I'm gonna use it anyway then put it back in the package like it hadn't been opened."
Mama:"I DON'T HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING OF DOING, USE THE MOUTHWASH AND PUT THAT TOOTHBRUSH BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT."
Me:(to myself)"dammitt all."
Mama:"DON'T BE STANDIN IN THERE WITH YOUR FILTHY MOUTH CURSING YOUR OWN MISTAKE, JESUS CAN HEAR YOU AND SO CAN THE DOGS."
That ladies and gentlemen is why I have such a twisted sense of humor, you don't spend 16 years with "Jesus and the dogs" being able to see you sin and not turn out a little funny.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Bra Burners
The quote:
"I burned my bra and marched in the streets for you to tell me you want to grow up and be June fucking Cleaver?! You can't possibly be my child."
The back story:
My mother is a flaming liberal and she's proud of it, she fought for women's rights, started her own businesses when the glass sealing wouldn't break and never apologizes for her independence. She pulls out the June Cleaver anytime I mention my conservative views, I've learned that it's a battle not worth choosing. After all, who wants to fight with a shot gun wielding bra burning 60 year old?
Start a Circus
The quote:
"Baby, you attract stray animals and stray people, you'll either learn to find them homes before you get too attached or start a circus."
The back story:
I have a tendency to show up with broken animals and people, standing on my mothers door step asking "can we keep it?"Thankfully she's always said "we can't keep it, but we can try to help it before we send it on it's way." Otherwise, I would have a circus.
"Baby, you attract stray animals and stray people, you'll either learn to find them homes before you get too attached or start a circus."
The back story:
I have a tendency to show up with broken animals and people, standing on my mothers door step asking "can we keep it?"Thankfully she's always said "we can't keep it, but we can try to help it before we send it on it's way." Otherwise, I would have a circus.
I'm Driving
The quote:
"Get your ass in the car...
I don't give a happy damn if you're not ready, I'm ready and I'm driving...."
The back story:
Every.Morning.For.15.Years.
"Get your ass in the car...
I don't give a happy damn if you're not ready, I'm ready and I'm driving...."
The back story:
Every.Morning.For.15.Years.
Alligators and Hummingbirds
The quote:
"Don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass."
The back story:
Well it's all there in black and white isn't it? I had a tendency to make this mistake, she had a tendency to remind me of my place.
"Don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass."
The back story:
Well it's all there in black and white isn't it? I had a tendency to make this mistake, she had a tendency to remind me of my place.
She's Just...
The quote:
"Ignore her, she's just my kid."
The back story:
If you reference earlier posts it's obvious that I was an opinionated little shit when I was a child, truth be told I still am, I own this fact. I used to be a lot more outspoken with those opinions, invariably upsetting someone. My Mama's response was always the same, "ignore her, she's just my kid." This translates to "yes, she is shooting off her mouth and I am aware that it is offensive, but God so help me if you think of having a problem with that because she is my child and I will hurt you." You don't get that from the quote, but you get it when she lets into whoever it is that has taken it upon themselves to put me in my place. She's ferocious, she's my Mama, and God knows I love her for it.
"Ignore her, she's just my kid."
The back story:
If you reference earlier posts it's obvious that I was an opinionated little shit when I was a child, truth be told I still am, I own this fact. I used to be a lot more outspoken with those opinions, invariably upsetting someone. My Mama's response was always the same, "ignore her, she's just my kid." This translates to "yes, she is shooting off her mouth and I am aware that it is offensive, but God so help me if you think of having a problem with that because she is my child and I will hurt you." You don't get that from the quote, but you get it when she lets into whoever it is that has taken it upon themselves to put me in my place. She's ferocious, she's my Mama, and God knows I love her for it.
Pain in the-
The quote:
"First you were a pain in my back and now you're a pain in the ass."
The back story:
I can be a pain, I'm generally accustomed to getting what I want and have no reservation making this fact known. No reservations that is until it comes time to tell Mama I want something. She pulls this one out just about every time I see her, it's in love that she says it, I'm sure.
"First you were a pain in my back and now you're a pain in the ass."
The back story:
I can be a pain, I'm generally accustomed to getting what I want and have no reservation making this fact known. No reservations that is until it comes time to tell Mama I want something. She pulls this one out just about every time I see her, it's in love that she says it, I'm sure.
Every 2 Hours
The quote:
"You don't have time? I didn't have time to feed you every 2 hours because you're sensitive stomach couldn't take more than 2 ounces of formula, but you made it past 6 months old, so I guess you'll find time."
The back story:
My Mama is a fan of pulling up things that were completely out of my control as a child and using them to turn the situation in her favor. Feedings every 2 hours is her favorite, I've been hearing this or a variation of this since ever. But she's my Mama, and she is kinda right, so before she's finished her bitching I'll be started on whatever it was I didn't think I had time for.
"You don't have time? I didn't have time to feed you every 2 hours because you're sensitive stomach couldn't take more than 2 ounces of formula, but you made it past 6 months old, so I guess you'll find time."
The back story:
My Mama is a fan of pulling up things that were completely out of my control as a child and using them to turn the situation in her favor. Feedings every 2 hours is her favorite, I've been hearing this or a variation of this since ever. But she's my Mama, and she is kinda right, so before she's finished her bitching I'll be started on whatever it was I didn't think I had time for.
Juicy
The quote:
"You're 12, there's nothing juicy about your ass, put the shorts back."
The back story:
Y'all remember those shorts with sayings across the back, now they all say PINK but used to be they said all manner of provocative things, needless to say, those sentiments were for other girls rear ends, not mine.
"You're 12, there's nothing juicy about your ass, put the shorts back."
The back story:
Y'all remember those shorts with sayings across the back, now they all say PINK but used to be they said all manner of provocative things, needless to say, those sentiments were for other girls rear ends, not mine.
I Made You
The Quote:
"You don't need to tell me she's beautiful, I made her."
The back story:
My Mama and Daddy split when I was about 6,leaving my Mama with the task of culling through the boys who came by the house. Not that there was an endless stream but I made friends easy and it always seemed there was a new fella hanging around. She kept a shotgun by the front door and we weren't allowed to be in my bedroom with the door closed. A few ambitious young bucks would try to sidle up to her, and she would generally tell them the same thing. Always a straight shooter my Mama, literally and figuratively.
"You don't need to tell me she's beautiful, I made her."
The back story:
My Mama and Daddy split when I was about 6,leaving my Mama with the task of culling through the boys who came by the house. Not that there was an endless stream but I made friends easy and it always seemed there was a new fella hanging around. She kept a shotgun by the front door and we weren't allowed to be in my bedroom with the door closed. A few ambitious young bucks would try to sidle up to her, and she would generally tell them the same thing. Always a straight shooter my Mama, literally and figuratively.
Rock Salt
The quote:
"You may be able to outrun me, but be ready for an ass full of rock salt because I'm shootin' as soon as you're in range."
The back story:
In the backwoods where I come from farmers pack shotgun pellets with rock salt. They use this as a deterrent for crop thieves and assorted animals. Having an ass full of rock salt can ruin a persons week. Trust me.
"You may be able to outrun me, but be ready for an ass full of rock salt because I'm shootin' as soon as you're in range."
The back story:
In the backwoods where I come from farmers pack shotgun pellets with rock salt. They use this as a deterrent for crop thieves and assorted animals. Having an ass full of rock salt can ruin a persons week. Trust me.
Face Your Fears
The quote:
"You've terrified me since you came out of the womb, lucky for you I decided to face my fears."
The back story:
My mother has told me the story of my first day home from the hospital often. She tells it that she got me home and things were going dandy until I started to cry. Not just cry but wail, screech and carry on. She did everything in her power to calm the storm but I was having none of it. She says she pleaded with me "what do you want from me?!" Still the rage did not abate. As she tells it, right then, all the joy of being a mother, a goal she had waited 40 years to achieve, turned to terror. She was suddenly scared shitless that I would never stop crying, so she cried with me. She ends the story there, gets a little misty eyed and quiet, then all of the sudden she'll look me in the eye and say to me "You've terrified me since you cam out of my womb, lucky for you I decided to face my fears."
"You've terrified me since you came out of the womb, lucky for you I decided to face my fears."
The back story:
My mother has told me the story of my first day home from the hospital often. She tells it that she got me home and things were going dandy until I started to cry. Not just cry but wail, screech and carry on. She did everything in her power to calm the storm but I was having none of it. She says she pleaded with me "what do you want from me?!" Still the rage did not abate. As she tells it, right then, all the joy of being a mother, a goal she had waited 40 years to achieve, turned to terror. She was suddenly scared shitless that I would never stop crying, so she cried with me. She ends the story there, gets a little misty eyed and quiet, then all of the sudden she'll look me in the eye and say to me "You've terrified me since you cam out of my womb, lucky for you I decided to face my fears."
The Very Best Thing Ever
The Quote:
"Sweet girl, you are the very best thing I have ever done."
The back story:
My mama is a Jill of all trades, she's got degrees, she owned businesses, lived all over, traveled all over owned a lot and lost a lot, and still she believes,even when I'm down in the pit, covered in the filth of my mistakes, that I am the best thing she has ever done.
"Sweet girl, you are the very best thing I have ever done."
The back story:
My mama is a Jill of all trades, she's got degrees, she owned businesses, lived all over, traveled all over owned a lot and lost a lot, and still she believes,even when I'm down in the pit, covered in the filth of my mistakes, that I am the best thing she has ever done.
hushyourmouth
The quote:
"You were so much easier before you learned to talk."
The back story:
I started speaking early, like 12 months early. Not baby talk either, I was dropping complete sentences by 18 months. This was a tad bit of an inconvenience for my mother who said that as soon as I learned to talk I also learned to to talk back. In fact, my first words were "I wan't too much." She tells this story lovingly now but when I was a child it was an argument. I wanted juice and as she would pour I would yell "I WANT TOO MUCH!" It meant I wanted more, always more. At least that's what she says, but I'm pretty sure she's right, I've never stopped with that one.
"You were so much easier before you learned to talk."
The back story:
I started speaking early, like 12 months early. Not baby talk either, I was dropping complete sentences by 18 months. This was a tad bit of an inconvenience for my mother who said that as soon as I learned to talk I also learned to to talk back. In fact, my first words were "I wan't too much." She tells this story lovingly now but when I was a child it was an argument. I wanted juice and as she would pour I would yell "I WANT TOO MUCH!" It meant I wanted more, always more. At least that's what she says, but I'm pretty sure she's right, I've never stopped with that one.
Double Trouble At Home
The Quote:
"Honey, you can be sure that whatever paddling they give you in school, you're going to love compared to what you get when you get home."
The back story:
Kids these days have no idea the true meaning of punishment. I went to an elementary school that still paddled children in the front office. I avoided that fate though, because I knew that if my mama got the call that I'd acted up enough to get paddled at school I was getting something far worse at home. She had a collection of yardsticks and I got whupped until the one she was using broke. Around age 8 I started bending them just to breaking, degrading their integrity, so that my whuppin's would be shorter, she got wise to that quick and we switched to the belt. Balsa wood is the devil.
"Honey, you can be sure that whatever paddling they give you in school, you're going to love compared to what you get when you get home."
The back story:
Kids these days have no idea the true meaning of punishment. I went to an elementary school that still paddled children in the front office. I avoided that fate though, because I knew that if my mama got the call that I'd acted up enough to get paddled at school I was getting something far worse at home. She had a collection of yardsticks and I got whupped until the one she was using broke. Around age 8 I started bending them just to breaking, degrading their integrity, so that my whuppin's would be shorter, she got wise to that quick and we switched to the belt. Balsa wood is the devil.
My First Mama Memory
The Quote:
"Don't make me take you to the handicap stall."
The back story:
My mother believed firmly in the biblical teaching that if you spare the rod you spoil the child, she had acrylic nails that she would dig into the back of my arm as she jerked me up close to her any time I stepped out of line. If the nails biting into the back of my arm didn't serve to calm my misdeeds then came the quiet murmur of terror, "don't make me take you to the handicap stall." Ever the believer in propriety my mama wasn't gonna snatch me up in public and whup me, oh no, we were going to the handicap stall where she could do it in private. To this day I still wont use the handicap stall in a public restroom.
"Don't make me take you to the handicap stall."
The back story:
My mother believed firmly in the biblical teaching that if you spare the rod you spoil the child, she had acrylic nails that she would dig into the back of my arm as she jerked me up close to her any time I stepped out of line. If the nails biting into the back of my arm didn't serve to calm my misdeeds then came the quiet murmur of terror, "don't make me take you to the handicap stall." Ever the believer in propriety my mama wasn't gonna snatch me up in public and whup me, oh no, we were going to the handicap stall where she could do it in private. To this day I still wont use the handicap stall in a public restroom.
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