The quote:
"Wait, before you go, are you wearing a real bra?"
The back story:
I had a date and called my Mama before the date to get a little pep talk and catch up. She's surprisignly sweet when she wants to be, and really no one can make me feel quite as valuable as my Mama. She was satisfied with all the plans I had made for the evening but not exactly satisfied with my wardrobe choices.
Me: "Alright Mama, I'm gonna go, I still need to do my make-up.
Mama: "Are you dressed already?""
Me: "We're not doing anything special so I'm just wearing what I wore today."
Mama: "Are you wearing a real bra?"
Me: "...No Mama, but I don't want to be uncomfortable all night."
Mama: "Put on a real bra darlin', I don't care if it cuts of circulation to the entire upper half of your body, I will not have my child running around like a damn hippie."
Me: "...Yes Mama..."
Mama: "You'd better, I'll know."
She called me the next day to ask, it should be noted that I did change clothes. Mama said I had to.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
We're Jewish!
The quote:
"We're Jewish?! That explains EVERYTHING."
The back story:
I was conceived through in vitro fertilization with an anonymous donor. I have no idea who my biological father is,and it should be noted,no desire to know who he is as a person, I just want his medical history. I had genetic testing done through 23&Me to determine what my genetic markers were. I highly recommend the site, they're not paying me or anything, I just think it's awesome. The thing about genetic testing is that to get information about your daddy, you gotta have a sample of daddy's DNA. I don't... Alas. But, it does trace all the way through your maternal line and I learned that I'm something like 17% Jewish(if that's even possible, I don't think it is, but I do have Jew blood.) When I told Mama the first thing she said was We're Jewish?! That explains Everything!" then in the same breath she said "Don't tell your grandmother!" My Grandmother is 86 and a little close minded, like steel trap rusted shut close minded, she'd be a little upset. So it's our secret. Habits and behaviors that were always just the way our family did it have become our "Jewish roots showing themselves."
"We're Jewish?! That explains EVERYTHING."
The back story:
I was conceived through in vitro fertilization with an anonymous donor. I have no idea who my biological father is,and it should be noted,no desire to know who he is as a person, I just want his medical history. I had genetic testing done through 23&Me to determine what my genetic markers were. I highly recommend the site, they're not paying me or anything, I just think it's awesome. The thing about genetic testing is that to get information about your daddy, you gotta have a sample of daddy's DNA. I don't... Alas. But, it does trace all the way through your maternal line and I learned that I'm something like 17% Jewish(if that's even possible, I don't think it is, but I do have Jew blood.) When I told Mama the first thing she said was We're Jewish?! That explains Everything!" then in the same breath she said "Don't tell your grandmother!" My Grandmother is 86 and a little close minded, like steel trap rusted shut close minded, she'd be a little upset. So it's our secret. Habits and behaviors that were always just the way our family did it have become our "Jewish roots showing themselves."
Protect Yourself
The quote:
"I put some condoms in your bathroom, I don't care how you use them, have a damn water balloon fight for all I care, just make sure whatever you do you're protecting yourself."
The back story:
I was 15 when this conversation took place, always the progressive, my Mama was heading me off at the pass. It was a pretty epic water fight...
"I put some condoms in your bathroom, I don't care how you use them, have a damn water balloon fight for all I care, just make sure whatever you do you're protecting yourself."
The back story:
I was 15 when this conversation took place, always the progressive, my Mama was heading me off at the pass. It was a pretty epic water fight...
Have a Baby
The quote:
"Just go on (pronounced by my Mama as gawn) and have a baby already, you're not getting any younger and I need something to do with all this free time."
The back story:
My Mama was in a horrific car accident about 6 months ago and is still recovering, she walks talks and has just as much spit fire as ever but she gets tired and has to rest, hurts a lot and sleeps 12 hours a night. She was working 3 jobs before the accident because she's always done that, always gone as hard as possible and done as much as she could. That's just my Mama. One unexpected result of the accident was her new determination to have me reproduce. This quote is not the first instance in which she has assured me that she's totally okay with me popping one out. The first conversation started with her giving me pamphlets on in vitro fertilization. You've got to give it to the woman, she's done her research. I'm fairly sure once she's back up and running the world she wont be quite so concerned with my ovulation cycles but until then I'm acting as immature as possible to make sure she see's how irresponsible it would be for me to have a child right now. So far, it's not working.
"Just go on (pronounced by my Mama as gawn) and have a baby already, you're not getting any younger and I need something to do with all this free time."
The back story:
My Mama was in a horrific car accident about 6 months ago and is still recovering, she walks talks and has just as much spit fire as ever but she gets tired and has to rest, hurts a lot and sleeps 12 hours a night. She was working 3 jobs before the accident because she's always done that, always gone as hard as possible and done as much as she could. That's just my Mama. One unexpected result of the accident was her new determination to have me reproduce. This quote is not the first instance in which she has assured me that she's totally okay with me popping one out. The first conversation started with her giving me pamphlets on in vitro fertilization. You've got to give it to the woman, she's done her research. I'm fairly sure once she's back up and running the world she wont be quite so concerned with my ovulation cycles but until then I'm acting as immature as possible to make sure she see's how irresponsible it would be for me to have a child right now. So far, it's not working.
Just as Long...
The quote:
"You can survive anything just as long as you know when it's going to end."
The back story:
When I was a child I found absolutely no comfort in these words because it meant that whatever commitment I was trying to squirm out of was going to stay in my life until I'd seen it through.From the age of 4 I was required to play one sport a year, before cheerleading there was soccer and tennis, both of which I complained bitterly about. Mama wouldn't let me quit though. When I got older it was the first few summer jobs I had, one summer I started out washing hair, then moved to helping clean houses and finally ended up washing dishes in a coffee shop in Monroe Georgia called Brewberries. I was 13 and furious that I had to work, but it was only for the summer and Mama assured me that the summer would be over soon. It wasn't until I got older, until I was 19 and trying to leave an abusive marriage, until I was 22 and trying to work 2 jobs and go to school, until I was 24 and juggling friends, work and my Mama's surgeries and PT after being hit head on by a drunk driver going 70 miles an hour, no, not until then did I realize how right she was. If you can find that spot in the distance, that date on the calendar or that moment when relief will come, you can make it through. You damn well better, Mama says.
"You can survive anything just as long as you know when it's going to end."
The back story:
When I was a child I found absolutely no comfort in these words because it meant that whatever commitment I was trying to squirm out of was going to stay in my life until I'd seen it through.From the age of 4 I was required to play one sport a year, before cheerleading there was soccer and tennis, both of which I complained bitterly about. Mama wouldn't let me quit though. When I got older it was the first few summer jobs I had, one summer I started out washing hair, then moved to helping clean houses and finally ended up washing dishes in a coffee shop in Monroe Georgia called Brewberries. I was 13 and furious that I had to work, but it was only for the summer and Mama assured me that the summer would be over soon. It wasn't until I got older, until I was 19 and trying to leave an abusive marriage, until I was 22 and trying to work 2 jobs and go to school, until I was 24 and juggling friends, work and my Mama's surgeries and PT after being hit head on by a drunk driver going 70 miles an hour, no, not until then did I realize how right she was. If you can find that spot in the distance, that date on the calendar or that moment when relief will come, you can make it through. You damn well better, Mama says.
Jesus and the Dogs
The quote:
"Quit your cursing with your filthy mouth, Jesus and the dogs can hear you."
The back story:
This quote was my inspiration to start this blog. I posted it on Facebook and it received rave reviews. In context the quote is even more amusing so I will provide the entire story.
Standing in the bathroom:
Me:"MAMA I FOUND A TOOTHBRUSH IN ITS ORIGINAL PACKAGING, IMMA USE THIS ONE."
Mama:"NO, THAT ONES FOR COMPANY!"
Me:"MAMA I AM COMPANY!!"
Mama:"YOU AIN'T COMPANY IF I WASH YOUR DAMN LAUNDRY WHEN YOU COME DOWN HERE."
Me: (to myself)"I'm gonna use it anyway then put it back in the package like it hadn't been opened."
Mama:"I DON'T HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING OF DOING, USE THE MOUTHWASH AND PUT THAT TOOTHBRUSH BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT."
Me:(to myself)"dammitt all."
Mama:"DON'T BE STANDIN IN THERE WITH YOUR FILTHY MOUTH CURSING YOUR OWN MISTAKE, JESUS CAN HEAR YOU AND SO CAN THE DOGS."
That ladies and gentlemen is why I have such a twisted sense of humor, you don't spend 16 years with "Jesus and the dogs" being able to see you sin and not turn out a little funny.
"Quit your cursing with your filthy mouth, Jesus and the dogs can hear you."
The back story:
This quote was my inspiration to start this blog. I posted it on Facebook and it received rave reviews. In context the quote is even more amusing so I will provide the entire story.
Standing in the bathroom:
Me:"MAMA I FOUND A TOOTHBRUSH IN ITS ORIGINAL PACKAGING, IMMA USE THIS ONE."
Mama:"NO, THAT ONES FOR COMPANY!"
Me:"MAMA I AM COMPANY!!"
Mama:"YOU AIN'T COMPANY IF I WASH YOUR DAMN LAUNDRY WHEN YOU COME DOWN HERE."
Me: (to myself)"I'm gonna use it anyway then put it back in the package like it hadn't been opened."
Mama:"I DON'T HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING OF DOING, USE THE MOUTHWASH AND PUT THAT TOOTHBRUSH BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT."
Me:(to myself)"dammitt all."
Mama:"DON'T BE STANDIN IN THERE WITH YOUR FILTHY MOUTH CURSING YOUR OWN MISTAKE, JESUS CAN HEAR YOU AND SO CAN THE DOGS."
That ladies and gentlemen is why I have such a twisted sense of humor, you don't spend 16 years with "Jesus and the dogs" being able to see you sin and not turn out a little funny.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Bra Burners
The quote:
"I burned my bra and marched in the streets for you to tell me you want to grow up and be June fucking Cleaver?! You can't possibly be my child."
The back story:
My mother is a flaming liberal and she's proud of it, she fought for women's rights, started her own businesses when the glass sealing wouldn't break and never apologizes for her independence. She pulls out the June Cleaver anytime I mention my conservative views, I've learned that it's a battle not worth choosing. After all, who wants to fight with a shot gun wielding bra burning 60 year old?
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